dharmapunx new york city

zencare talk: working with the addict

2012-01-06T18:29:00.003-05:00

the addict alcoholic's mind is comprised of mutually reinforcing outlooks that create stress:

—a view of oneself as being profoundly unique and different from all others in the universe; the addict/alcoholic believes his/her thoughts cannot be understood
—this results in what the buddha termed papancha, or self obsessed thought: what do others think of me?
—The alcoholic takes everything personally, considering himself a victim, conspiracies
—feels "uncomfortable in his own skin,"

three fold disease alcohol and drugs are stress responses.
—he's rendered so stressed, that his search is invariably for an external, magic bullet, solution.
—damn the long term consequences.
—drugs and alcohol work at first, relieving the mental agitation and stress, but in the long term one develops a tolerance
—the addict/alcoholic doesn't believe other solutions exist

the problem with the false solutions—drugs, drink, etc:
—external solutions, don't address the underlying condition
—they stop working, we become habituated
—result in the alcoholic becoming more and more isolated, which reinforces the underlying spiritual outlook

addictive coping strategies that keep addiction in :
—isolation & avoidance
—victimization narratives: its my ex-wifes fault we're not married, my children's fault we're not close, my boss's fault i was fired, etc
—secretiveness, esp an unwillingness to be open with feelings of fear or anger.
—fatalism: doesn't believe transitory mental states will pass or be relieved.
—dishonesty: doesn't acknowledge unskillful actions.

greatest enemy is a lack of openess to other solutions to stress
—he doesn't trust anyone to listen non-judgmentally
—he doesn't believe there are other solutions

keys to recovery

—to regain trust the the addict alcoholic has to be in a group of other alcoholics; the underlying self view of uniqueness will be shaken.
—hopefully the addict alcoholic will find courage to express the obsessive thoughts & fears: 5th step, 9th step.
—the alcoholic takes up service, helping others, unravels low self-esteem.

working with the alcoholic

1) keep in mind karma and the teachings on equanimity.we cannot save everyone. some people's past actions are so self-destructive, their histories so littered with trauma, the resultant stress and suffering so great.
—its important to understand our limitations.
—if you're invested in their recovery; if they're a husband, wife, son, daughter, get someone else involved.

2) don't take it personally. an alcoholic / addict is capable of saying anything when their addictions are the topic of discussion. its not about you.

3) is it the right time? the buddha said that speech always must meet three conditions 1) it must be true, 2) it must be useful/helpful and 3) it must be at the right time.
—most alcoholics/addicts will never welcome a talk about their addiction; interventions are generally a measure of last resort and rarely work.

4) start by sharing your own experiences. the alcoholic / addict is extremely sensitive to any feelings of feeling "lesser than" or "judged" or "different." if you start by explaining your own addictions and fears, the alcoholic will feel less cornered and judged.
—if you have no experiences with addiction then bring someone.

5) provide hope. its important to state that there are plenty of resources available now to reduce stress, that they don't have to go it alone.

6) try to jump immediately if they open up to seeking help. its helpful to have the number of AA intergroup at hand.

the truth is frustrating and liberating

2011-12-06T17:23:00.003-05:00

everything is fragile, coming together and falling apart

we can observe the amount of effort that goes into being with someone who is very ill or inclined towards death, and the other extreme, being with youthful energy, which requires containing & protecting it from harm and danger, guiding it, teaching it.

likewise, we can observe all the time and energy it takes to guide a human life in worthwhile directions and to be with its day to day difficulties
—we've got to sustain and feed ourselves, protect ourselves, teach ourselves, etc

when we open the heart to the conditions that have to be lined up in order for our life to be sustained we see fragility; so many conditions have to be coordinated just to make it through a day
—when we consider the delicacy and contingency of it all, its not surprising when things go awry
—as ajahn brahma says, we shouldn't say to a doctor something's wrong, i don't feel well, but rather something's in line with the nature of life, for i feel ill!
—not only the body, but people around us we depend upon

so this assumption that we have the right to be comfortable and healthy all the days of our life is a form of drunkenness, hubris and ignorance
—it doesn't take into account the complexity and fragility of the body, etc
—we have a short time in life when we have a maximal independence, before things start to go, hearing, sight, mobility, energy, perception
—we can't stay coordinated for long. how could it be otherwise? this idea we can remain comfortable?

eventually little inconveniences mount up and give us clues that its all going to go south

the frequent reflections

this is why the buddha encouraged reflections on old age sickness and death
—the five subjets of frequent recollection: i am of the nature to grow old, sick, die, be separated from all that i love, and all that i think and do, both harmful and unharmful, will i fall heir
—its easy to hear this and think wow that's depressing and glum, why do i have to be so negative
—what we're doing is waking the mind up and saying "get with the program, this is the deal you've signed!"

rather than being depressing, we're encouraging ourselves: the body is a massively complex system, an ecosystem, where any bacteria that gets in could spell the end
—healthy people fall away all the time due to sudden and unforeseen internal and external events
—if we look at our skin under a microscope the amount of bacteria is stunning

we're in a stet of change, so our comfort level will change, how could it be otherwise?
—its because of ignorance that we get carreid away by impressions of pleasure and health and independence and being surrounded by likable objects
—its a childlike delusion

the more we carry around this false belief the more stress, because the world will always go wrong: the package will not arrive in the mail, the train wont come, people will be difficult, the body will have disagreeable sensations
—the cause of our feeling of being obstructed and frustrated lies in views, opines, expectations, especially our identifications, or atavada upadana

the role of identification in suffering

these contemplations point towards the idea "i am the body" then i am of the nature to age and die, as the body is of the nature to sicken.
—if the body, feelings, consciousness is not self, than what is endangered?
—its because of identifying ourselves with our thoughts, our feelings, our bodies, etc.

if someone says our body is unattractive or attractive, old or young, so what? when we let go of identifying with it, I am this, then there's a great relief, we don't care what others think about that which is beyond our control.

in the ultimate truth of things, we're not our bodies or personalities or careers.
—ultimately all of it changes and is washed away, we're attaching to impressions and appearances that are not the whole truth; its all woven together through attachment and ignorance

the buddha's path is one of investigation, vibhajana.
—is my liver me? my knee? my bladder? where is this "i?" there's no subsystem of the brain switched "on" all the time
—its a stripping away of this energy towards "i am this, i am that" the perception of identifying with any passing state

we use the power of our assumptions to help that i am habit to be exposed. we develop vipassana to really look and explore how our perceptions and thoughts create layers of identification and endeavor that causes stress.

so we move past the body, and we want to identify with pure consciousness or awareness or an energy in the universe. but its still attachment to self-view, buying into a concept of identity.
—even refined kinds of identification cause limitation and disappointment
—identifying with some core fabric of the universe, which is mind boggling and beyond knowing, doesn't lend us any peace, for we're seeking identify in that which we don't understand

the paradox of our true nature

the teaching continually points the heart towards letting go: "whatever you conceive reality to be, it is always otherwise."
—any kind of construct or idea cannot encompass experience or truth
—anything that's compounded by the mind is a filtered, mediated skewed reproduction

so the teaching leads has a paradox, relinquishment of our idea of the truth opens us up to the truth: letting go. that becomes the higher power.
—all that we can conceive is what we're not, when we let go of what we're not, then what we are, what's true, will be revealed
—of course, then the conceptual mind jumps back in: "ah! so i am this and that!"

the goal is a resting in the letting go of attaching to or identifying with.
—it takes a lot of courage and resilience to train the heart to rest in relinquishment, but in it we can find a spaciousness and completeness that can never be found in identification with transient, compounded phenomena.

we should expect the truth, the lack of definition, to be frustrating to the conceptual mind, which is used to easy to grasp things we can be.
—the mind is always looking for another thing to be, to acquire, place to go, etc.
—relinquishment leads us to a standstill, a lack of movement.

the identifying mind finds unidentified existence, the true heart, to be disappointingly unprotected, vulnerable, inexpressible.

beyond this emptying out of concepts, sunnata, at the end the buddha offers tathata, or suchness, as there's some element to existence, but beyond that its beyond identification.

So, what is the point of it all?

2011-12-06T15:52:00.006-05:00

We all have questions along the lines of: What is the point of it all? Why are we here? What is the transcendent nature of reality? What is important to achieve in life? What is our reason for being alive?

In Plato's world, the meaning of life lies in attaining the highest form of knowledge, the ideal, from which all good and just things derive utility and value. there is a perfect, ideal version of all things, from which our world falls short.

Emmanuel Kant wrote a single moral obligation, the "Categorical Imperative", demands adherence and duty. for actions to be ethical, they must lead to what is universally good

utilitarianism: the point of each action is to bring about the greatest happiness to the greatest number of people

Nihilism seeks to reveal the flaws and unverifiable assumptions that our transcendent truths and purpose rest upon, revealing life's lack of essential value or purpose.

Taoist world view focused on an underlying energy or state of flow in the Universe, which we attune to by way of self realization. essential to this process is realizing the ephemeral nature of the existence.

in christian texts and teaching, man was created by God in the image of God and is by design perfect, but in practice has fallen from grace due to what is known as the original sin, which, though explained metaphorically, boiled down to questioning god's will and giving into temptation. Recognizing and learning from the sacrifice that Christ endured provides the means for transcending our impure state.

buddhism

The Buddha believed that in life that experiences of stress and frustration are unavoidable, that it is impossible navigate successfully around old age, sickness, loss, not getting what we want, death, etc.
—Attempts to avoid the inevitable (old age, sickness, etc) causes even more suffering and stress, rather than relieving them.
—This does not imply that there is no true happiness available to us in life, nor does it imply that pleasures do not exhist, but that the pleasures we derive from the external world and our plans to acquire and attain external sources of pleasure, will not lend themselves to our lasting tranquility.

The greatest peace we can experience comes from the letting go of our cravings, the constant drive to acquire, the focusing of the mind inwards.

So the point of existence lies our potential to end suffering through detaching from cravings and attachments (the planning and energy that goes into acquiring pleasure and avoiding discomfort) along with the cultivation of mind states that bring about lasting tranquility (thoughts of good will, gratitude, generosity, virtue, compassion, balanced endeavor and observing that which develops peace of mind).

This potential to cultivate tranquility is laid out in a path of detachment that leads to lasting peace.
—his path is unconditional, costs nothing, has no side effects and is available to all.

His path consisted of:
—wisdom, which is seeing past our tendency to blame the world for our unhappiness, learning which views, expectations, and cravings cause stress, and letting go of thoughts that lead us towards futile or harmful endeavors
—virtue, renouncing our tendency to search for short term happiness at the expense of our future peace and the peace of others; we choose instead lifestyles and speech that do not cause harm
—inner focus, the ability to create unconditional peace within through practice, effort and investigation, balancing the mind away from fixation on the external, learning to calm the stresses that underlie our moment by moment experiences.

As so much of the world tries to find happiness amongst pleasure, power and acquisitions, true knowledge of what choices to make derives from our experience, rather than by blindly following what others say or have written. when we see for ourselves that a thought or action is in the long term benefit of ourselves and others, we can feel safe in our choices.
—one of the buddha's most profound realizations was that one source of our stress and discomfort is to be found in our self-centered identity views, the stories and narratives we we carry into each moment, filtering our experiences in terms of "what does this mean about me?"

understanding how obsession works

2011-12-05T12:42:00.006-05:00

the Buddha had many terms for things that stir up the mind.
anusayas are fixations, thought habits, ideas that arise constantly
kiriya means mental agitation
papanca is the sheer proliferation of thought that is obsession

anusayas or obsessions have seven types. we become obsessed about
1) people and things that make us feel good, that stir passion
2) people and things that make us feel uncomfortable, that stir aversion
3) our views and opinions about life, people, the world
4) our fears of the future
5) our self centered ideas; "who am i"
6) our craving to attain higher states of being, to "become better person, more equipped to tackle the world"
7) our tendency to blame external forces for our stress and unhappiness, to avoid seeing the role our mind plays in creating stress and suffering for ourselves (we tend to objectify our experience, rather than see it as a subjective process)

the buddha teaches in the anusaya sutta that the purpose of spiritual practice is to learn how to drop and abandon these obsessions when they appear, and that we will be diligent with our actions to deprive our obsessions of the conditions of development.

any anusaya, or obsessive tendency, can turn into mental agitation (kiriya) and obsession (papanca) when we start to think about about it, or feed (upadana) off of it.

to be rid of obsessions, we have to understand the process behind it

in two great suttas, the ball of honey sutta (MN18) & sakka's questions (DN21) the buddha explains the process:

in the Sakka's questions sutta (DN21), the process is explained from a social perspective of competition with others:
—we're in a world of competition for external things that make us feel happy and secure, and this ongoing competition for things creates an outsized desire for things and views that triggers repetitive thought.

in the ball of honey sutta (MN18), the process is explained from a more internal psychological perspective:
—we start out with the idea of being a subject, carrying around our body, our thoughts and the things we own, moving about in an external world of people and objects; when a notable experience occurs, if there is a strong underlying current of vedana, or gut feeling, this highlights and focuses the mind on the idea.

this idea of being a subject, carrying around stories of our past, worries about our future, creates patterns of thinking: "Based on what a person obsesses about, the various types of obsession assail one with regard to past, present, & future forms" (mn 18)

The root of all obsession is the core perception 'I am the owner of my thoughts/they are mine'
The experience a "self," with "I" that owns our thoughts, creates the proto ideas that begin the process of obsession: what is me and what is not-me? what is mine and what is not-mine?

From the duality of me in a world of other people and things, the idea of being a victim of the world arises: I am being assaulted by other people, etc.

From these basic ideas, we become vulnerable to the seven anusayas—what makes me feel good, what i don't like, my views and opinions—derived from these basic ideas.
—When identify closely with our external experience, strong feelings arise, some comfortable, some uncomfortable.
—These feelings create desire, which causes conflict with others. My inner beliefs about the goodness and badness of external things creates conflict

How can this stop the process of obsession?

We change the way we perceive our external experience and the way we relate to our gut feelings (vedana), by using an approach called "appropriate attention." (yoniso manasikara)
—rather than abandon our internal sensations and moods, identifying entirely with external experiences and our thought commentaries, we maintain a wider awareness that notices underlying moods and the changes of feelings
—we notice when craving and aversion tends to arise; what tends to trigger us
—we notice how such mental energies pass on their own if we don't feed off them (ie give them full attention)
—instead of experiencing things and people as inherently good or bad, wanted or unwanted, we practice calming the body and breath, seeing how much of the attraction or aversion is really based on the person or thing, and how much of the aversion and/or attraction is based on the underlying body state
—the more we see our experience as process born of internal states, the notion of being a victim of the world is reduced, and thus self-reflexive thinking is lessened.
—There still is a distinguishing between unskillful and skillful, but its a distinction made between processes without ones self centeredness being brought to bear.

disentangling the mind through awareness of feelings

2011-11-21T00:12:00.001-05:00

disentangling the mind through awareness of feelings

observing the breath, a sound arises—a repeating buzzer or car horn

—a sense of aversion arises

—then a thought "why do people have to be so impatient?"

—perhaps a memory of a place that was quiet or peaceful

—the mind moves into that fabrication, then perhaps launches into an inner dialogue "what did i do wrong or deserve to live here?"

—and so with thoughts and images we move farther away from the breath and the event, the sound, that interrupted

this is the process that repeats itself over and over again in the chain of co-dependent arising: sense contact with the world (phassa) leads to feeling (vedana), leads to craving (tanha) leads to attachment (upadana) leads to self-identification (bhavana).

So, can we trace the mental events backwards, the self condemnation, back to the memory of the better place, back to the aversion about noise, back to the car horn or buzzer.?

—we eventually wind up back with the breath

we can notice that when sensations arise, what triggers the movement away from present based experiences are mental fabrications (craving, clinging, selfing) attempting to explain away our feelings (vedana), the original response towards the sound, pain, etc.

—mental content is an attempt to manage, contain feelings

—often the mind launches into harmful, craving based actions based on felt body states

—we are unaware of what motivates our behavior—neuroscience: Similarly to a monkey riding on the back of an elephant, wherein the monkey believes it is steering the elephant; so too the conscious, rational mind believes its making decisions, but it has very limited input into what the mind decides to do. Our actions are largely driven by unconscious processes that are primed and chosen well before we gain conscious awareness.

this is the weakest link in the chain: when disruptions occur, we practice sitting with the sensations and the immediate feelings but not allowing the thoughts to land on top and start building distractions or sankharas.

—we learn that we can be with feelings without their taking us over, etc

—free will begins with being able to sit with feeling states and observe the cravings to act and think that arise, being able to delay having to follow any idea away from the present

the reason the entangled mind gets into so much trouble is because it is constantly trying to get rid of an internal feeling state externally.

—when we stay present we can ease the body, therefore lessing our impact on the world

two kinds of feelings

the more we sit with feeling states, it has become apparent to me that there are two kinds of feelings:

1) body sensations that are expressing feelings (for example, sensations in the stomach or chest, etc ) from

2) body sensations that are reactions to repressed feelings and are attempting to block or clamp down on feelings as they express themselves in the body (for example a tightenting in the throat or jaw).

expressive feelings have a spreading, often upwards feel to them, and can be frightening, as we might worry they'll take us over.

—these feeling states arise first

—this is why we fear them, as they seem to want to take us over

—when we sit with these feelings, often older stories will arise

repressive feelings have a pushing or clamping down effect; they're trying to block off or control what's occuring in the body below.

—these feeling states arise in response the former states

—repressive feelings are part of the first wave of self-repression, followed by thoughts.

—when we sit with repressive feelings, often future based fears about 'losing control' and 'going mad' will arise

—these are the dominant feelings that take over during panic attacks

practice discerning which body sensations are express feelings (for example, sensations in the stomach or chest, etc ) from the body feelings that are reactions to feelings and are attempting to block or clamp down on feelings (for example a tightenting in the throat or jaw)

over time i've found it helpful to allow the expressive feelings space, to give them attention and time to breath; whereas i find it useful to relax and breath into the repressive, secondary feelings.

the proper uses of judgment, acceptance and non-duality

2011-11-11T20:41:00.004-05:00

We practice meditation, mindfulness and virtuous action in the hopes we'll attain a happiness and sense of security that is longer lasting and less conditional than what we've experienced so far in life. We're all familiar with the rewards of our world which, in all its bountiful array, lends its rewards only temporarily. As the buddha explained in the eight worldly winds (Lokavipatti Sutta, AN 8):

"Monks, there are eight worldly winds push us about in the world. Which eight? Gain, loss, fame, obscurity, praise, blame, pleasure and pain. These are the eight worldly wind that push us about in world."

The sutta goes on to detail how
—the world can praise our efforts, then suddenly switch to showering us with blame
—the world can provide us with pleasure, then just as quickly strike us with painful events
—the world can give us a moment of fame, then snatch it away, leaving us with obscurity
—the world seems to have much to gain, and just as much to take away (note how fortunes have been won and lost in seemingly safe investments)

Moreover, the pleasures of the world involve taking and holding onto things that certainly aren't ours to claim… as the buddha taught, the world is swept away, there is nothing we own, everything slips away, there is no security, no one is in charge, nothing external can quench our craving for peace of mind and security (see the Ratthapala Sutta).

So, perhaps paradoxically, the goal is for us to experience another form of stress: samvega (dismay) and nibbida (revulsion), the disappointment of being attached to the insufficient pleasures of the world. We've been feeding on, and made ourselves dependent upon, sources for happiness and security—such as the plaudits won in careers, fame, people pleasing and popularity, families, etc—that are conditional and out of our control. As the Buddha said, people can dislike you if you talk too little, too much or just the right amount.

So we need to experience a real dismay and dissatisfaction to pull away from the pull of sensual pleasures--no matter how many times we've wound up dispirited with the results.

We set our sites on finding tranquility that's dependable and within our grasp; we start the arduous task of training the mind, learning how to be with ease amidst the spiraling thoughts, worries, concerns, memories.

Still, in the early stages of practice we bring along the old tendency to involve the world, believing it still has a dominant role in our lasting happiness.

The first misapplication is self-judgement: we haven't found security in the world because we compare unfavorably to other, successful, happy people, and what results is low self-esteem and condemnation; there's something wrong with us. We see how others are happy in their jobs and come to the conclusion that they're doing something right, we're doing something wrong. If we could only learn to be exactly like that happy couple over there on Easy Street well, our struggles will be over.

Of course, such conclusions are driven by external appearances; we can't reach into their minds and see how much stress anyone is experiencing; people can seem perfectly content while being internally agitated and miserable—people are good at masking their true discomfort. Therapist's couches are filled from morning to evening with folks who appear well adapted to the work climate. And self-condemnation does little but make us feel convicted to stay imprisoned in our suffering. For if it's a problem with me, how can I get rid of it?

The second misapplication is that we haven't developed enough acceptance of the world, or learned to fully appreciate the way of things. This was similar to the debate between Jung and Freud: Jung wanted to give people a way beyond simply seeing the causes of their misery, so he brought in all sorts of mysticism into his practice. Freud despaired that at best we'd wind up still neurotic and despairing, as the world would permit nothing more.

The Buddha teaches that our lack of acceptance of the world, our dismay at its allure, is actually a motivator; its what leads us to the spiritual path. Throughout the canon The Buddha was quite capable of expressing dismay at the foibles and dramas of the spiritually unpracticed.

The third misapplication of spirituality is that we've become ego-driven individuals and have lost touch with our innate connectedness to others. Apparently this line of thought argues that our ego, with its inner biographies and narratives obscures our awareness of the true life force within us all. If we could get past our self-centeredness, we would be restored to happiness. I gather this connected energy is conceived as being harmonious, life affirming, a buddha nature. (That The Buddha never mentioned "Buddha Nature" has done little to dispel this assertion.)

Alas, The Buddha taught that when we cling to connections it leads to suffering, that interconnectedness with the world and other people, in and of itself, is stressful. This is what is clearly demonstrated in the Chain of CoDependent Arising (Paticca-Samuppada): making contact (phassa) with the world (lokha) with the goal of finding lasting happiness externally (avijja) leads to stress and suffering (dukkha). While people essentially share the same emotions and thoughts, trying to unite with others for peace and tranquility is not a sustainable endeavor.

***

The problem with the above misapplications is that they're aimed externally, rather than internally: The Pali Canon establishes that the road to inner peace is paved with a balanced equanimity (uppekha), a state wherein one looks at the flux and flow of inner states from the remove of the body (also established in Yoniso Manasikara), observing without getting pulled away from present awareness and roundedness.

Judging our actions and motivations, seeing that we're not being skillful, is the foundations of karma. But its not driven by a comparison to others, or self-condemnation; rather its driven by investigating what the goals and motivations behind our actions alone really are… We're looking for a sense of how to behave externally, when it starts by asking ourselves whether we're really acting in the best interest of ourselves and others, whether we're living in competitiveness or compassion. If we find our actions are wanting, we change them, but we don't turn it into a view of self.

Developing acceptance and non-duality is useful, but only when it comes from within. for example, awareness and a detached acceptance of what arises within, or sati-sampujhanna, is essential to developing mindfulness.

—we can watch all sorts of stressful body and mind states arise and pass without getting involved or pulled away.

—we can suspend and investigate our normal aversion to what's difficult and attraction to what feels easy.

Experiencing with a detached perspective can give surprising insights: i've seen that there are two kinds of body sensations; the first type is expressive, upward surging, attached to old feelings and traumas that have not been given attention. the second type of sensation is repressive, downward capping, dedicated to censoring and prohibiting the expression of socially awkward impulses. while the first sensation is often located in the belly or shoulders, the second sort (perhaps closely similar in nature to freud's super-ego) is more likely to be found above, in the throat or jaw, as its an inhibitory function.

Finally, it is also worth noting that the buddha did indeed have a non-dual agenda for the mind, in that in the concentrated states we're asked to lower our awareness into the body, experiencing eventually a dissolution of the mind / body separation. another approach is to experience the breath flowing up into the eyes and into the area where we experience consciousness. eventually we can reach a stage described in the Bahiya sutta, where the buddha teaches there is no thing out there or in here or in between, that nothing moves because everything is in awareness.

So, in summary, there are uses for judgment, acceptance and non-duality; they are valuable tools when they're used within the proper domain: focused externally or on self, and they lead us nowhere. Focused on our actions and experiences, and they lead us further on the path to liberation.

So, what does healing look like?

2011-10-21T19:10:00.002-04:00

the root

we start off life with a fully functioning amygdala, ad a non-functioning hippocampus

—this means we're capable of experiencing fear, anxiousness, wailing disappointment, traumatic big emotions without any narrative contextualization

—the amygdala tags as threatening anything we experience during an emotional state

if we're scared and our parents are too busy paying bills, working, dealing with their own lives, we experience 'people not paying attention to us' with vulnerability and fear

—again, we have no hippocampus in crucial, formative years, to bring a sense of background perspective into why our felt needs aren't being met

—regardless of how attentive or inattentive our families really were, the mind can build up these associations (of not being emotionally mirrored when we need it) into entire complexes of traumatic feelings, such as being abandoned, rejected, unconnected, unprotected, unloved.

being abandoned is the most threatening vulnerable experience a child can feel, as children cannot survive on their own.

the complexes are associated around threatening experiences for a child, such as being alone or frightened (by someone or some felt inner state, like hunger, and not having the need assuaged by the world)

—the association is made between external lack of attention and inner feelings of being unloved

—we're also making associations between somatic experience (where our body becomes uncomfortable), rejection and abandonment

—the external reality in the end matters less than what we experience emotionally

the second stage of trauma\an additional stage of suffering:

the development of narrative thinking arrives later, and tries to explain these core feelings of fear and being abandoned. the result: No one loves me/ I'm unloveable, thus I have to do something to get love and security I need to survive.

—I feel I'm not getting enough protection, security, emotional mirroring from the world.

—i have to be funnier, a better musician, theatrical, I have to stomp my feet, or run away, all to get the secure attention from others I need.

As we go through the childhood individuation process, many of these core dramas repeat themselves through new interpersonal adventures—socializing with other children, interacting with authority, dating.

Each time we feel rejected, abandoned, unaccepted, the rattling experience shoves more associations down into associative pit of "there's something wrong with me" or "no one gets love for free."

We add fuel to the fire by relating to these feelings as if we alone have felt them, thus furthering the traumatic undercurrent of being alone and unconnected.

coping strategies that address these core traumas:

1) we try to get attention/connection by all means possible. Love me, say I'm ok, be there for me.

—we can people please, shout, tell jokes, act wildly, sex,be the smartest kid on the block, start families

2) when attention isn't available, we develop strategies to anesthetize or numb the feelings of aloneness, lack of connectedness

—we numb out via television, drugs, focus-intensive work, food, exercise, anything to "shut the mind down"

these are akin to donald winnicott's false self strategies, addressing traumatic abandonment by developing social behaviors that comply with felt expectations that others maintain.

each time we feel these feelings as adults, we recall the root core vulnerability of the childhood experience. we feel just as threatened.

so we're either filling the beast (acting out), or trying to avoid it by all means necessary (shutting down)

this cyclical polar swing between acting out—give me attention and connection and shutting down—i don't want to feel what's beneath these needs can orchestrate entire lives.

the goal is always to bury or satiate the beast, our core, “ugly” feelings.

both sides of the equation can turn into self-destructive addictions.

at times we can drain the barrel dry—reach the breaking point of an endeavor, filling ourselves up sex, numbing ourselves via careers—and then move onto different numbing or filling strategies.

as the texts explain in the ratthapala sutta, the world has nothing that can truly fill our cravings, it is ultimately empty.

so what does healing look like?

if we're lucky, at some point in life we reach a point of samvega, a profound state of dismay with the way we've been trying to deal with these feelings

At this point we have a unique opportunity to step outside the cycle and undertake a new approach to living with these feelings:

1) we find a safe place, the therapists couch or the meditative cushion, where we can sit with these feelings, without pushing away or feeding them

—in therapy we express the feelings, in meditation we give them a safe vessel to arise within (the body) that can contain everything

2) in meditation we can ask ourselves, "what does it feel like to be rejected, to feel unloved?" and simply attend to what arises. this is known as sati-sampujhanna.

3) we observe the core places in the body where emotions are held; where we've developed numbness or solidity, due to associating these somatic experiences with the feelings.

4) eventually we see that these feelings will not take us over, that we're not as vulnerable as when we first felt them

5) and we move on to ways to soothe the feelings that are unconditional, that can never be run dry. we learn how to relax the body, to send thoughts of "may i live with ease."

6) in safe environments we can share the feelings without fear that we alone have experienced them. this continues the process of uncovering and detriggering.

david foster wallace & the ending of obsessive thought

2011-10-21T00:54:00.003-04:00

[quotes at first are from David Foster Wallace's Kenyon commencement speech. He starts out by telling the story of fish that don't know what water is...]

DFW: "everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute centre of the universe; the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely think about this sort of natural, basic self-centerdness because it's so socially repulsive. But it's pretty much the same for all of us. It is our default setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth.

"Think about it: there is no experience you have had that you are not the absolute centre of. The world as you experience it is there in front of YOU or behind YOU, to the left or right of YOU, on YOUR TV or YOUR monitor.

"…[DFW goes on to say that the work is] getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered [where everything is interpreted] through this lens of self. People who can adjust their natural default setting this way are often described as being "well-adjusted", which I suggest to you is not an accidental term.

"…it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotised by the constant monologue inside your own head. … learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed.

"[dfw goes into a long and often hilarious description of the self-centeredness of adult life being made up of excruciating experiences:

"…the supermarket is hideously lit and infused with soul-killing muzak or corporate pop and it's pretty much the last place you want to be but you can't just get in and quickly out…the checkout line is incredibly long, filled with people that are stupid and cow-like and dead-eyed and nonhuman… you have to drive all the way home through slow, heavy, rush-hour traffic…clogged by…the huge, stupid, lane-blocking SUV's and Hummers and V-12 pickup trucks, burning their wasteful, selfish, 40-gallon tanks of gas… the patriotic or religious bumper-stickers always seem to be on the biggest, most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest, most inconsiderate and aggressive drivers. …My natural default setting is the certainty that situations like this are really all about me. About MY hungriness and MY fatigue and MY desire to just get home."]

"If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider [other] possibilities... But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars…

"And the compelling reason for choosing some sort of spiritual-type thing to worship--be it JC or Allah, or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles--is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

"…the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default self-centered settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along on the fuel of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self.

"…The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

"That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

[end of David Foster Wallace quotes]

———————————————————————————

While what the buddha calls "our run of the mill mind" or DFW "default self-centered settings" is a profoundly distorted and stress inducing creation, it nevertheless stays intact because, after all, it is the way things "appear to be"

—DFW starts off his talk with the story about fish that don't know what water is

—the appearance that the sun revolves around the earth

—most of live our lives without questioning all of our thoughts, views, opinions, not realizing that, as they are filtered through the prism of self, they are likely to be delusional

ball of honey sutta

the buddha unpacks our hard-wired default setting:

its important to note the causal chain of suffering here is:

contact with the world> feeling > thinking > the perceptions & categories of papañca

Papanca, or obsessive thought, is born of the dualistic idea "I am" vs. "everything else"

—self-reflexive thinking, in which we conceive of having a self or identity, listed as an I, many "complications" arise:

—This is me/not me; This is mine/not-mine; this i own/don't own; I am/I'm not; I'm a victim/victimizer; I have/don't have; etc.

when we think "i am the seer" "i am the one hearing" "i am the one tasting" "i am the one thinking" we add a sense of self and what it means to me to everything we experience.

—Once we start thinking of ourselves in these terms we're stuck in a myriad of thoughts from these basic propositions.

—Once there's a conviction in a lasting self, whatever we experience or feel is greeted as either desirable or undesirable for that self.

When there's the sense of identification with something that experiences, then based on the feelings arising from sensory contact, some feelings will seem appealing — worth getting for the self — and others will seem unappealing — worth pushing away. From this there grows desire, which comes into conflict with the desires of others who are also engaging in papañca. This is how inner objectifications breed external contention.

undermining the tendency to experience everything in terms of self.

dfw locates the end of papanca in "keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness" through disciplined attention, awareness, "and being able truly to care about other people." "empathy" he says is "trying to imagine what it’s like to be the other guy"

—this undercuts the narcissistic view of the world, along with the 'terminal uniqueness' that mars so much of our thinking

—this compassionate view of the world is very much a part of the buddha's strategy for 'safe thinking'

generosity, giving of one's time and resources, and virtue, refraining from causing harm

—both generosity and virtue undercut the competitive nature of our world view

but what is this disciplined attention and awareness?

—there are tools that do not require us to jump outside an become aware of all the important issues of the day, to become entirely externally based, to 100% engage with the world

—nor is the goal to abandon awareness of the underlying monologue that's occurring, but to do so as part of a radically different process of awareness

—nor is it to give up dualistic thinking.

before there is self-centeredness there are underlying feelings of "liking what's going on" "not liking what's going on" "no opinion" about whats going on:

Sukha-vedana: good moods; a carefree sense of ease or well-being in the mind.

Dukkha-vedana: bad moods; a feeling of depression, sorrow, annoyance or discouragement.
Upekkha-vedana: neutral moods

feelings are running beneath and prior to everything we think

—from these feelings our thoughts arise

—before the "self vs other" world takes shape

—the self vs other world view rests on underlying sukkha vedana and dukkha vedana, or underlying stress

—through a shift in perception, we attend to internal gut and mind state feelings, rather than thoughts first.

So first we watch the arising and passing of feelings in the present.

—We don't follow what they urge us to do through the thoughts that rest on top of them.

—We use our powers of awareness to burn into whatever spot a feeling may arise.

—Stay with the realization that feelings do nothing but arise and fall away

As the Buddha states, rather than viewing a feeling as an appealing or unappealing thing, one should look at it as part of a causal process: when a particular feeling is pursued, do skillful or unskillful qualities increase in the mind?
—There is simply the analysis of cause-effect processes. feeling -> result

" There are two kinds of Feelings: those to be pursued & not to be pursued.' When one knows of a feeling 'As I follow this, unskillful mental qualities increase, and skillful mental qualities decline,' that sort of feeling should not to be pursued. When one knows of a feeling 'As I follow this feeling, unskillful mental qualities decline, and skillful mental qualities increase,' that sort of feeling should be pursued. "

When comparing feelings that lead to skillful qualities, notice which are more refined:

—those accompanied with papanca or a plethora of self-centered thoughts

—those accompanied with thinking (directed thought) and evaluation,

—eventually those free of thinking and evaluation, as in the highest stages of mental absorption, or jhana.

—we always opt for the more refined feelings, and this cuts through thinking that provides the basis for papañca.

When we follow this process, self-reflexive thinking is avoided in general.

Note: One is still making use of dualities (unskillful and skillful results) but the distinction is between processes, not identities.

—Our analysis avoids the type of thinking that creates papañca

grasping and resisting

2011-10-21T00:49:00.002-04:00

the mind's circuit board is hardwired to feel insecure, unprotected

so we look around for things to make us feel secure

—feeding off the world, upadana

clinging onto the pleasant sensations, phenomena for security

—sensual pleasure, financial gain, approval, productivity, etc.

beating back, fending off the sensations & phenomena

—sensual discomfort, financial loss/instability, disapproval, unproductiveness, etc.

as we consume and repel the world, the feelings of security last for a short while, then we are returned once again to the insecurity that is our default wiring

—this is what keeps us running around

worse, eventually as we feed off of these things, be it money, or approval, or health, we're setting ourselves up for horrible states in the future, as we eventually lose the ability to find peace elsewhere

—the energy, momentum, karma, of clinging and resisting creates

—grasping and resisting is stress, it is dukkha

so we all need to practice letting go.

this requires a place and time we can work at dropping our grasping and resisting, to practice finding and developing an alternative way of being

this practice starts on the inside:

—we practice not grasping at thoughts and moods that arise, clinging to good feelings or thoughts that feel powerful and right

—we practice not pushing away worries or anxieties or anger

with uncomfortable thoughts and moods, we watch, we don't argue or debate or try to will them away

—we remember that every thought that arises is a strategy for our security; many are unskillful, but in their own childlike way they're trying to protect us

—we acknowledge all that arises, without being pulled away from mindfulness

—we maintain awareness of the breath & body (or metta, if that's the practice)

—we cultivate thoughts of gratitude and appreciation, rather than wanting

—if persistent we ask ourselves again if we would give such advice to a friend

—we ask ourselves would we want this to be our last thought or mood?

while letting go feels awkward at first, as the mind wants to grasp and resist, if we get past the feeling of vulnerability, we arrive at a place of far greater peace than any state that involves grasping and resisting

dealing with a crowd of inner voices

2011-10-19T02:16:00.001-04:00

inner community

wherever we move into our inner experience a similar cast of characters come out. some of them are wise characters:

—desiring peace, virtuous integrity, ease, generosity, effort, awareness, etc

—these voices are stable, generally not too loud or repetitive, dramatic, agitated

others aren't as wise in the long term (nivaranas)

i want: craving love & approval, status, things that make us feel good, pleasant events, etc

dislike and fear: disapproval, loss of status or things, unpleasant events

restlessness, busyness: so much too do, can't relax, but it can never pinpoint what the exact most important thing we have to do, just a general we're not getting it done

escapist laziness: its all too much to deal with, i want to check out & feel nothing (not ease or relaxed, more annihilation)

mistrust, suspicion: nothing will work to bring me peace, its not for me, no confidence

often we've relied on these voices for security; they're great short term solutions and occasionally bring important news

—generally they're bad news if relied on or followed without investigation

—no matter what we acquire, where we go, we'll always have this inner community: they're survival instincts

—unskillful voices are much louder, repetitive, insulting, drama queens, more agitated than the wise voices

normally we're so distracted by the world we only hear these voices whispering thoughts in our head about the world, influencing our behavior.

—but when we try to get peaceful and let go of the world, then we become aware of how distracting they can be

—they'll whisk us away from put on multimedia presentations, completely taking us out of our present experience

the closer we get to these thoughts, the more encompassing they become, like black holes the greater their gravitational pull, which in turn spreads agitation (kiriya) throughout the body, whisking us away from mindfulness

unsuccessful ways of relating to these characters:

1) playing dictator when we try to develop focus the mind.

—we beat up on ourselves with punishment and harsh judgments if we fail

—works only for a limited time

—encourages us to behave that way with others, which ingrains the behavior

—eventually our inner mob rebels.

2) dismissive facile reasoning

—telling fear there's nothing to be frightened of

—telling restlessness there's nothing to do

—telling craving everything it wants is empty,etc

—nivaranas don't go from shame, they're misguided survival strategies

how to get the community to work together towards peacefulness?

1) try to find wise voices in the world to embolden the calm inner voices

2) offer this inner community compelling reasons to work together, then we'll have longer term success:

—remind craving that we can get something that few beings have, inner peace, free

—remind fear that being focused makes us safer in the long term, more adaptable to real threats as they arise

—offer restlessness that we're not dropping anything of importance, that being focused will make us more efficient in getting things done

—escapist laziness: the goal is relaxed ease after all!

—mistrust: if meditation & the path doesn't pay off, we can always try something else

3) Sucitto suggests a nice rhythm--for example the breath

the breath has an amazing way of settling down the mind.

4) The mind is large and strong enough to contain thoughts and feelings without us breaking apart.

—Contact experience (ithoughts) without being pulled in

—we practice not being lured away into their multimedia presentations, we stay apart from mindfulness

—Learn to expand the felt, energy movement body beyond the shrunken confines of the emotional body

5) As a practice we learn to occur the mind not on that which is loudest or most active and dramatic and frantic, but on those experienced that are most stable, calm, etc

—if we learn to see that thoughts are like foam crests on a wave of inner sensations, we can catch them earlier and deal with them when they're small

putting the punx in dharma punx

2011-10-19T02:15:00.003-04:00

what is punk?

punk rock as a rejection of self-indulgence in music, specifically long guitar solos, tolkeinesque lyrics, complex interludes set up to display musical chops, 10 minute sludge like, plodding songs of pink floyd, the whispy melodism of pop music.

—for every decent act like hawkwind or syd barrett, there were countless dozens of yes, emerson lake & palmer, etc.

—trying to make rock palatable to make it more commercial, it sabotaged the beauty of eddie cochran, jerry lee louis, chuck berry, etc.

—the core energy & power of the music became diluted. ("lets spend the night together" "mother's little helper" turned to fleetwood mac, chicago, journey.)

punk rock revolted, espousing short songs, bereft of solos and needless show offy musical passages, lyrics about real challenges of inner city life, etc.

—a return to the purity of the form

—it dared to question the established order; more is better, include everything in the pie less we offend anyone.

—an attempt to restore the core value of the art form, delivering a message to a thunderous beat. ("blank generation" "no future" 53rd & 3rd")

dharma punx in a similar way has the opportunity to clear out the flotsam & jetsam that has drifted into buddhist centers, trying to make buddhism more palatable, only to dilute the true power of the buddha's message.

people come into buddhist centers bringing in all kinds of metaphysical ideas that they want to incorporate into the dhamma.

1) "interconnectedness"

Myth: the idea being that ecological awareness, globalism, economic exploitation should be jammed into the teachings of the buddha, which were a psychological phenomenology.

Dhamma: the buddha taught a goal that was not based on interconnectedness, but in fact based on being an "island or lamp to oneself" finding true peace within, not basing our search for happiness on feeding off of the world.

—Interconnectedness is at the heart of the dependent co-arising, showing how our emotional over-connectedness with the world creates our suffering. Interconnectedness of global trade in fact causes suffering. Clinging, upadana, means "eating"

—the buddha's teachings do make for a better world, for in finding happiness within, we are less likely to consume the world for it..

—the buddha in the snake sutta clearly states that developing a true self that identifies with the cosmos creates suffering. The cosmos is beyond our control, contains a lot of suffering.

2) spontaneity and intuition

Myth: many people want buddhism not to have a moral foundation, but instead be about liberating the mind from all its worries and doubts, reifying the idea of following one's gut feelings wherever they might lead.

Dhamma: The buddha didn't teach spontaneity, he taught in fact the opposite to his son, RAHULA, to ask before every thought word action if it would cause suffering for self or others.

—Following vedana, the buddha taught, leads to stress, for our intuitions are generally based on avoiding difficulties, and much of the spiritual practice is difficult at first.

—The buddha in fact taught that inner peace is developed through rigorously becoming aware of the intentions being our actions, purifying our intentions of greed, hatred, self-centered delusion, acting instead from gratitude, generosity, good will and renunciation of causing harm.

3) everything, including happiness, is impermanent, so stop, smell the roses and grab a good time while you can

Myth: The idea Anicca teaches us that everything is impermanent—

and when we don't understand that there is a happiness beyond change—we believe all our happiness derives from embracing experiences without clinging to them, enjoying what will soon enough change.

—We believe this makes even terrible situations bearable, as they will soon pass.

dhamma: The buddha didn't spend 6 arduous years in largely solitary practice looking for a temporary solution to life's unhappiness.

—what would be the point of all that effort if the goal was fleeting?

—there's a reason nibbana is called the "deathless," its because the buddha was trying to find a path to inner peace that didn't end.

—Sankharas are anicca, or unreliable. The world as we perceive it and cling to it is a production based on craving that tells us happiness comes from grasping and owning things.

—The deathless is a state beyond change. It is an action, not a place or thing, based on letting go or releasing of our attachments and dependencies to fabricated, conditional states..

Buddha nature story:

Myth: There is a an immortal, compassionate element within the depths of the mind that is in essence a buddhic self. Once we rid ourselves of greed, hatred and delusion, it naturally appears without our effort or intervention.

Dhamma: TAny notion that we can find a true self that is not subject to change runs counter to anatta, which states it is not possible to locate a lasting self in our experiences.

—Furthermore, the idea that all we have to do is let remove hinderances and voila, awakening, runs counter to hundreds of suttas that show a process conditioned upon effort, without any naturally internal compassion.

—the buddha refers to the untrained and developed mind as that which causes suffering.

—the natural mind jumps from pleasure to aversion to delusion, searching externally for sources of happiness.

—The path, in fact, is against the stream of the mind, based upon the development of wisdom, good intentions, the effort of bringing about skillful thoughts that aren't present, etc.

letting go

2011-10-19T02:15:00.001-04:00

external sources of happiness are unsatisfactory:

we try to find lasting security, purpose, self-esteem, from unsatisfactory sources

pleasures (sex, drugs, drink, etc)

gain (accumulating money and things)

approval (people pleasing, attaching to positive reviews, etc)

fame (having lots of friends, prestige in one's field of work, etc)

1) they're unreliable; people don't say what we want them to, money can vanish, etc

2) they're conditional; they're not always available

3) their rewards are short term and require exponential fulfillment

—the hedonic treadmill, "as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness."

—Brickman & Campbell people report about the same level of happiness before and after economic gains and losses, so long as they can meet basic needs.

the more we try to grab at happiness from unsatisfactory sources, the more controlling and self-sabotaging we become

—eventually we experience huge disappointments in our external endeavors.

The five stages of grief, loss, death are

1) denial/ avoidance, acting as if nothing has happened in the arena.

2) anger/resistance, trying to force by sheer willpower a different result

3) bargaining we are still craving a different result, willing to do anything undo what we've experience

4) depression, why me? not seeing the universality of dukkha.

5) acceptance.

the first 3 stages of grief are all forms of resistance. the fourth, depression, wallows in the unfairness of the universal experiences.

spiritual acceptance has two stages

1) acknowledging what has happened

2) letting go of our attachment and moving on

seeing what happened

1) totally acknowledging in our hearts what has occurred, without putting the "i" into it, or taking it personally

2) feeling the physical feelings of disappointment

3) seeing the mental agitation—obsessive, repetitive thinking—we've encountered due to our struggles

4) acknowledging with someone how much we've suffered

letting go

acceptance is not resignation, giving up on happiness. its refocusing our efforts in areas that can sustain happiness)

letting go is a decision not to keep thinking about things that cannot bring us lasting peace

every time the mind wants to reattach to the lost cause:

1) we reflect on drawbacks of those thoughts; where do they lead? would i want these to be the last thoughts i ever had? are there better thoughts out there? we're allowed to drop the thought mid-sentence.

1b) are they true, beneficial, is this the right time and place to indulge them?

2) we become aware of what happens to the mind and body again as we think addictively

3) we attend the mind on something worthwhile and relaxing (brickman and campbell demonstrated that the effective ways to change baseline happiness levels are via

—flow (focusing the mind on what one is doing)

—mindfulness (moment-by-moment awareness of internal thoughts, emotions, body states)

—acts of kindness towards self and others

—forgiveness

—sense of humor

—appreciation of our endeavors

—self-control over one's addictive behaviors.

4) we treat the thoughts as like poisons for the mind, for if we're really incapable of changing them once we've taken the bait, then we know they're dangerous to us.

—the passage in the canon about the dying letting go of things we no longer can do

—the woman trying to leave the retreat after one day of a two week retreat lead by ajahn fuang

dealing with idiots

2011-10-19T02:14:00.001-04:00

there's a difference between the stress that comes from the world, and its inconsistencies, and the stress that comes from our craving to change the world so it fits our agenda

the buddha said the way things are:

—all phenomena is impermanent

—all phenomena is stressful

—all phenomena is without lasting identity

but the stress that comes from craving (as taught in the four noble truths & paticca sammupada) arises from our ignorance, and that's something we can do something about

—the core of wisdom is seeing what we are responsible for, what we can change

—and what we're not responsible for, what we cannot change (not our duty or burden)

This is exemplified in learning how to deal with difficult people:

how to tell if someone is one worthy of respect (sangaha sutta):

—Generosity, compassion, beneficial wisdom, consistency

additional qualities to consider (vassakara sutta):

—someone who helps people

—someone who thinks skillfully and doesn't worry needlessly

—someone who has attained inner peace

those we do not respect:

—greed, anger, superficial and inconstant people

—people who say foolish things, obsess, especially over externals, etc

if worthy of respect

—we review our actions and find the value in their criticisms

—we acknowledge our mistakes

—we focus on resolving the issue

—we refuse to accept any label that is a global putdown

—We listen to understand how do they see the situation

if they're not worthy of respect, we limit our exposure

if we cannot avoid being around them:

—we pause and relax the breath before responding

—we restrain our minds from focusing on them, refocusing on the body

—we limit our statements to "I" statements that communicate our experience rather than "you" focused attacks or accusations

—focus on the positive, praising any positive behaviors they've

—we set boundaries, subjects we will and won't discuss

—if they bring up subjects in our off limits list, we interrupt the action, simply stating we cannot talk presently

—If they continue we withdraw our attention. like we would to a lunatic on the street

—if they ask why we're not engaging we why the behavior is unacceptable to you and specify what you want to change.

—rather than engage, a silent smile can be a skillful way of not joining

the Buddha once refused to respond to a verbally abusive man who came to see him. In frustration the man eventually asked why he did not respond. The Buddha then said, "[I]f someone offers a gift, and you decline it, to whom does it belong?"

—we can refuse the "gift" of insanity, anger, negativity, or abuse that is being offered.

if we obsess when they're not around:

—we may purposely bring about an opposite attitude: aversion to goodwill

—again we treat their words like lunatics on the street, saying hello but not listening

—we can find the stress in the body and release it

—we can find comfortable spots in the body and spread the ease, hang out

—do we want to plant these thoughts for our future minds (neurons that fire, wire)?

—would we say these thoughts to a friend? allow a friend to say to us?

Working with Depression

2011-10-19T02:13:00.001-04:00

its important to see things in the mind in terms of intentional acts (kamma), the results if past intentional acts (vipaka), and events which are mere activity (kiriya) and the obsessive thoughts (papanca) of an agitated mind.

—its important to avoid getting tangled up in what the mind is always pointing to in the world, what its representing.

we do this by becoming very observational of what's going on moment by moment: the way we discern what's what is clear from how events arise.

karma always has an intentional element to it, its suffused with goals and agendas that we're aware of; whereas it begins with contact and vedana, gut feelings, almost immediately there's vitakka or purposeful thinking present.

—incoming results of previous mind states, vipaka, arise as vedana, gut reactions to what's occuring.

—vipaka starts off as Sukha-vedana (feeling good about what's occuring and wanting more); Dukkha-vedana (stress & gut discomfort with what's occuring, wanting it to go away) and Upekkha-vedana (neutral feelings).

—vedana can be present for quite a long time, in the form of underlying feelings, before we become aware, or we can sense it immediately.

the problem isn't so much these underlying moods, as opposed to the way we react to them.

our reactions to sadness or discomfort or agitation can turn what might be a passing state (vedana-dukkha) into a lasting, persistent dis-ease (kiriya and papanca retriggering vedana).

—sadness, frustration, etc are the inevitables of life, especially lay practitioner life; its not reasonable to wish ourselves free of feelings.

—what is problematic is the way we react, taking our moods personally, adding stress and storytelling to the entire affair.

a large part of the problem is that we take it all personally (papanca), believing that are sadness or disappointment means there's something wrong; our lives in the world, our minds, etc.

—we turn what's natural into a problem.

—we add aversion to the mix.

the next inevitable stage is we believe the problem needs to be solved out there in the world, while we become increasingly uncomfortable with what's occuring in here.

—the reactions are habitually ingrained; they're not the result of free thinking, but they plant the seeds of future mind states nevertheless (samsara has a largely unconscious reptetitiveness to it)

—the cycle solidifies into a habitual response (karma, vipaka, kiriya and papanca as karma, etc); sadness arises, we become upset, thinking there's something wrong with life, which in turn gives rise to more sadness

afraid of the gut sensations, we increasingly try to either think our way out of our sadness or do more and more distracting external events, trying to make it all go away.

—we run from the feelings into our thought worlds and external dramas

there's no way to think our way out of sadness or confusion or unmotivation.

—we need an entirely new state of mind

yoniso manasikara, attention must be paid

observing: we take a new approach to our underlying moods as they arise. rather than react by adding aversion and storytelling, we practice watching the feelings as they arise, watching as they pass.

—we might even learn to see what previous actions and thoughts give birth to the stress

—being more aware of the underlying states of body and feelings, before acting via habitual responses, without labelling it as something wrong, means we'll become more efficient in our choices of what to act on.

we learn how emotions change our breath, where our emotions arise in the body, how they spread throughout, and at which point they turn into thoughts.

—the face itself can be a barometer to underlying feelings

—as can the stomach, jaw, shoulders, etc

once we've discovered the central area of feelings, then we move about, noticing the outer areas.

— we can practice breathing through the areas we hold our feelings

—we can practice moving to and from areas that are neutral or pleasant

we shift from trying to ignore or make feelings go away to a state of curious exploration

we develop trust in our ability to be with unpleasant feelings and our ability to take care of ourselves without worrying and planning ahead of time

attention and mindfulness is by nature experiential. we don't ruminate or try to figure things out; we develop the ability to sit with uncomfortable states without reactiveness.

attention and mindfulness does not take things personally. it doesn't believe that anything that arises is specifically ours only or particularly unique. it's the anthropologist from Mars approach, seeing what its like being in a human body and life before judging it or thinking there's something terribly wrong.

—learn to treat our emotions, and the thoughts they give rise to, as signals and messages that may or may not be true

If out of habit thoughts start to proliferate (papanca) ("im no good, there's something wrong, etc) we see these reactions as mental events that don't need to be given credence. we don't need to identify with them.

—we see what these reactions, or thought patterns, are promising us, what they offer (the sense that we can have a perfect life without feelings?)

what does right livelihood mean?

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which jobs to reflect on

overtly, the lists five professions that are to be avoided

—trading in poison, weapons, human beings as slaves, trading meats, intoxicants.

—if we do work as bartenders, or waiters in steakhouses, we start by being aware of what effect our work has on our mind.

The buddha was not a proseltyzer and didn’t set out on a crusade against specific professions. Only if he was pushed would he condemn a particular occupation.

—when a soldier came to the buddha 3 times refused to answer when pressed if his occupation was unskillful. eventually the buddha replied: "if, while, in the midst of battle, the desire for the killing or causing harm to other beings arises, that mind state will take you to future realms of suffering.

—note PTSD

from the precepts, the buddha's teachings ask us reflect on whether or not our livelihood:

1) harm other beings?

2) does it steal from other beings?

3) Does it involve lying?

4) Does it involve unskillful mental states such as promoting greed or aversion?

5) Does it involve becoming intoxicated or practicing any kind of harmful sexuality?

the notion that we can engage unskillfully in one area of our lives without it bleeding into the rest of our endeavors is ignorance:

—like mines that pollute the groundwater, toxins don't stay in a region, they spread

—unskillful thoughts and actions spread throughout our endeavors

levels of attachment

another issue with right livelihood is reflecting on the levels of attachment our work results in:

—are we thinking about work while we're relaxing? while we're being creative?

—is the level of mental energy remaining charged/adrenalized?

—if the feelings/stress of work stays with the body into the rest of our lives?

—does the breathing changes during work and afterwards?

so we can see that right livelihood isn't a checklist of wrong occupations; its a concept of mindful awareness

—equanimity or balance is key

—even jobs that help other beings can be unskillful if we can't put them down

a good way to conceive of right livelihood introduced as the four requisites:

we need food, shelter, clothing and medicine to survive, and we use them responsibly to live comfortably enough to practice, but not to the point where we're seeking lasting pleasure or developing attachment.

its helpful to reflect

—why am i buying or consuming this?

—is this really needed?

—is there an underlying level of stress i'm trying to cover with food or purchases?

the effects of consumption

marxists are not the only folks aware of commodity fetishism, wherein we don't see the exploitation that goes into the production of the goods we consume. ajahn geoff points out that that the food we’re eating—the farmers who worked, the animals who gave up their lives—didn’t provide it in fun.

—we're eating not to stuff ourselves, but simply for the nourishment of the body, so that we can practice in ease without hunger pains

Geoff: one has "to look at your impact when you eat, when you buy clothing, when you buy any of these things and use them: What is your impact on the world? The fact that you’re alive and breathing

means that you have a lot of needs, and the needs can be met only by relying on others. What way can you rely on others so that you’re not harming them or causing them unnecessary pain?"

Ajaan Chah’s simile: Westerners are like vultures. we fly very high, but when we eat, we eat very low

what this means is that we aim to achieve peace in our meditation & yoga practice, but what we do to survive often completely undermines the beauty of our practice.

—we overly consume things that cause harm to others.

sometimes the insights we need to give up consuming will need harsh contemplations:

—the buddha once reminded students of a couple who had to kill and consume their only child to avoid starvation. (unlike the 'starving children of africa' routine parents tell children, this was to get people to eat responsibly)

—if someone's consuming cocaine, they may need to reflect on all the human misery and death they're participating in.

—if someone's needlessly consuming electronics or plastic bags, the level of pollution this entails.

so where do we find our pleasure?

first, there's the custom of the noble ones, which is cultivating contentment with our material

possessions.

—we practice developing gratitude for what we've acquired skillfully and getting the most out things by using them properly.

—we don't fall into the buy a shiny thing, use it for awhile then dispose for something new cycle.

—this is not attachment to things, but a true understanding of how much went into producing

—you find that you’re buying less, using less, because you’re looking elsewhere for your happiness

the buddha compared the mind to a castle under siege by an enemy, the outside world and all its distractions and dramas. our allies are

—wisdom, a sentry who knows how to spot the enemy;

—mindfulness, the gatekeeper who remembers who to let in to the castle and who not,

—concentration/focus, the inner stores of food.

The more pleasure, wellbeing and stability we can derive from focusing the mind inwards, the lighter your kammic footprint on the rest of the world, the less harm you’re causing as you search for your livelihood, both physical and mental.

the buddha's teaching was based on the concept of the middle path, which is founded on neither indulgence nor deprivation.

what does staying heedful mean?

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the buddha's last words, he didn't talk about not self, emptiness, dependent co-arising:

achieve completion through heedfulness (appamada)

vigilance in protecting the mind against detrimental mental states

—The greatest danger is the mind's creative capacity for self-deception through rationalization of its obsessions

heedfulness (appamada)

is based on an awareness of kamma:

—just as our selfish, craving born actions lead to long term kiriya and dukkha vipaka

—our skillful, selfless actions also have long peaceful ramifications for the mind

heedfulness is the wisdom that sees we don't have much time and we want to accumulate as much merit as we can

its not possible to find inner peace if we're constantly engaged in dramas & attachments

—dramas keep us ignorant of the peace & security available in the present, as it diverts our attention away to concerns that are not present based.

—we don't want to wait until greed or aversion are big trees in the mind

—opportunities arise to pick up merit in situations we often writing of: being sick (learning to not trust perceptions), waiting (patience), not knowing (embracing life as it is), grief and loss (learning how to refocus the mind)

—we're not a victim of suffering, we can be proactive in all situations

so we should look around us to see what opportunities there are to be heedful. moving from inner to outer states: meditation, mindfulness, precepts, generosity

meditation

the daily practice of relinquishing our dramas, attachments, concerns with what could be or what has happened, and becoming present

—attachment is the mind carrying around narratives, devoting mental resources (kiriya) to obsessive thinking (papanca)

—the foremost tool we have to drop out of the diversions and illusions of papanca is meditation, training the mind to stay focused on events occuring in the present, developing peace from within

mindfulness

remembering to keep the mind balanced with awareness of what's occuring presently within, not totally enraptured by the world

—its easy to avoid admitting a wrong, feeling we're protecting ourselves, but it can often lead to unintentional suffering to another and a feeling that

precepts

is when we refrain from causing harm, no matter how easy or tempting

—its easy to avoid admitting a wrong, feeling we're protecting ourselves, but it can often lead to unintentional suffering to another and a feeling that we cannot live happily in the truth

—not giving up, again a matter of accruing merit

—what's essential is focusing on the intentions behind all our actions

gratitude

when we realize how other we've been benefactors to other people's efforts:

—the food we eat didn't just jump from the earth onto our plates

—the houses we live in just didn't put themselves together

—the clothes we wear, the transportation that takes us around, etc

when we're trying to pluck out the weeds in the mind during meditation, its a skill that requires practice out in the world

the buddha said we can't attain the highest peace if we take things for granted and act from stinginess

monks who start out at monasteries often make the mistake of putting too much time into meditation at the expense of helping running and cleaning the monastery, working with lay practitioners. its very easy for their meditation to dry out. energy & self-esteem comes from helping out in the world; we're not here just for ourself.

ajahn fuang "grass at the corral gate"... everywhere there's easy merit for the picking

judicious versus judgmental

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actions are helpful in relieving stress and which one's create more suffering.

the importance of surrounding ourselves with wise practitioners

how do we judge people to discern who is worthy of our time, and who isn't?

—comparing ourselves with others is always a form of conceit; the only time a conceit is useful is to spur us on in the practice.

—many comparisons are completely speculative based on guessing at what other people are experiencing inside (speculative) or lead to discouragement

—if our comparisons rest on objectifications, turning ourselves or others into static, static characteristics, it'll often cause unskillfulness

—it may be worth seeing that someone could use our help, or that someone is better at something than us and could help us learn

sometimes things start as skillful, early in the practice, then become less skillful later on.

—self can be useful early in the practice, but then after awhile we don't need it to spur us on

—skillful thinking is useful in the early stages of meditation, especially being inventive in keeping the mind focusing on meditation objects and evaluating them

in the pali canon there are many texts showing how to judge other people skillfully.

there aren't any suttas that explicitly denounce all forms of judging.

—rather than condemning others, we simply view them in terms of actions, noting when they're trapped in unskillful tendencies or behavioral habits

—even if we have to distance ourselves, we don't close to possibility they might change, though associating with them inappropriate from hereon

the buddha was interested in helping us find admirable friends, inspiring teachers, suitable students, worthy beings to help.

—we look for virtue, generosity, spiritualconviction in karma and wisdom.

—we see their virtue by being with them, it takes a long time; we seeing their integrity in dealings, bartering, etc; their resilence by watching how they face adversity.

—we see their wisdom by having conversation with them, observing how they analyze problems.

—it takes time.

once we find someone who is wise, generous and virtuous, we should watch them in action and try to learn with them.

—this is why its a good idea to be in a community of other practitioners.

—other people's generosity or virtue can spur us on when we're tired or unmotivated

so the buddha is advising us to draw conclusions about people, but he's asking us to do it skillfully, over a course of observation, not paying attention to unimportant issues

—how much popularity, money, beauty, etc they display

there's a difference between 'judging' and being 'judgmental.'

—whereas the former denotes taking time and noting another's spiritual development

—judgmental denotes snap verdicts made to arbitrary standards, as in "i just don't like the way he looks, etc."

forgiveness is essential if we find the stories of their unskillfulness playing in our minds.

then we can take the judicious approach and apply it to ourselves.

—we can make excuses for poor actions or obsessive thoughts

—if we're serious in the practice we'll aspire to the standards that we hold our teachers and esteemed practitioners

notes for a talk about relationships

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how do i meet the right person?

someone who loves, understands, accepts, supports us & shares my life?

The question is, why aren't we providing these things for ourself?

In order to be understood, supported, accepted, we have to give all those things to ourselves.

All the acceptance in the world is empty when we don't truly have acceptance for all of our experience.

We have to arrive in relationships from a place of wholeness, rather than being needy, lonely, desperate. Neediness is utterly unattractive.

self-confidence and inner peace is very very attractive to others.

When we can give ourselves what we need, we have no need to control our partners.

Why do we need there to be a single person who knows everything?

Why can't we give that to ourselves?

THE TEST

close eyes and ask ourselves what we most want from a new relationship or present one. whatever it is we're searching for is what we haven't developed yet:

if we want support, its because we haven't rewarded ourselves for our efforts.

if we want acceptance, its because we've been too critical of ourselves.

if we want understanding, its because we haven't taken the time to get to know ourselves.

our present relationships.

"how can I maintain my individuality in this relationship?"

what do we mean by "individuality?" Thinking in vague, abstract terms doesn't help.

—Most of the time we're referring to friendships, hobbies, interests we had or want to have that we pursued outside of the relationship.

why have we abandoned it to begin with?

situations where each of us wants different things?

can we sit with the part of our mind that feels threatened when our partners want something other than what we want?

How can I get what i want without requiring my partner to change.

not chinese food.

Instead of hoping someone will fix our loneliness, lack of ambition, our lives...How can we be the person who has the life we want?

When we're with someone and don't feel that magic?

What is magic?

It resides in the brain, its not in the other person. It is partially neurotransmitters and hormones kicking off...we become addicted to its lack of subtlety.

What happens is we meet someone, the craving part of the brain creates a wonderful chemical mix that puts in a drugged state where reality recedes.

Its easy, as we know so little about our partners in the beginning, they're blank canvases we can project anything onto...

Eventually the drugs recede, and we're back in our lives, and its their fault that our jobs suck, etc.

We're back in our normal mind, which is agitated.

Sometimes in new relationships we don't feel the magic from the beginning, and we feel there's something wrong with our partner.

"magic" is again a state of craving.

Eventually the little things they do that we don't, the things they want that we don't, grab our attention.

—The trick is to learn to appreciate the longer lasting mental states that don't pass.

"how can we understand the other's needs better?"

how can i understand myself better so that i can see all the cravings that are interfering with hearing my partner?

Spiritual practice unloads the stuff that keeps us in ruts, that keeps us from truly experiencing what's going on.

The Buddha shows us that below our cognitive radar that are constant states of old karma, feelings that are filtering our experience. Without being mindful, we have no hope of truly hearing what our partners are saying.

Breath. Feel the body. Steady the mind.

"how can i best express my needs?"

first we look at these needs. what do we sense that we're lacking?

Support? Acceptance?

How can I give them to myself rather than demand it from another person?

When we come to relationships needing the other person to give us acceptance we cannot give ourselves, we're placing too much need on the other person.

Growing spiritually with others

we are social beings, and to certain extent we do need to awaken spiritually with each other. even when alone, we must carry a sense of being connected and belonging.

daily relationships are critical. not separated from our core relationships.

—daily relationships are how we practice for our partners.

how we deal with feelings of rejection, frustration, not being heard will determine how we act in a relationship.

The buddha spent much of his life teaching monks how to live together.

the key practice is right-speach. true and helpful.

if we are always honest and helpful, its difficult to cause suffering.

others rarely act threatened & cause harm if we establish a good track record.

—from that grows non-harming. he always counseled admission of guilt when wrong.

Listening. What are they really trying to get across.

Try to figure out what's really being said when someone's emotional. Don't get caught up by words that are trying to gain attention.

Mindfulness.

PAUSING. When we react out of habit, we get lost in:

—>Defending, Distancing and Judging. That's how we feel safe.

(satipatthana) The key in communication is to listen, pause, relax the body, notice our feelings and mental states.

When we don't pause we're driven by unconscious fears, asavas, as the buddha called them. when we are mindful we can stop the influx of old hurts from controlling our reactions.

Let it out to get it out.

Its a human mental illness to feel that what we experience is different from everyone else. It keeps us defensive and distant. It keeps us from being open.

Eventually when we learn to share our deepest hurts and fears we can experience the armor that protects us fall away.

Sometimes we share and our friend will not understand—that's why we cultivate a spiritual fellowship, so that we can eventually find mirrors for all our experience.

its all in the reaction

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