dharmapunx NYC

Very little in life falls under our control. The approval we seek from others is unstable, as is the fame that many pursue. Economic structures change without our permission, leaving us vulnerable to all forms of financial instability. Even the sensual pleasures we’re accustomed to are fickle: A gadget that’s shiny and promising this week will soon enough be just another item in the junk drawer. Yet we can control our awareness—how we focus our attention—which in and of itself determines so much of our happiness and suffering. • An awareness that’s caught up by external routines and fails to notice our internal experience results in thoughts and actions that are motivated by concealed physical stresses and moods. For example, we may believe we steer clear of certain activities because they’re tedious, when in fact the avoidance is motivated by a hidden fear of failure and social embarrassment. Or we may fly off the handle with a loved one, failing to notice feelings of f...

Each of us begins life completely dependent on others for nurture and protection, a reliance that last for years. Given this initial helplessness, an infant looks for reassurance via the watchful, attention of the parent or caretaker. Being seen conveys so much: the infant is loved, treasured, protected; assured of care while exploring the world, interacting with others.  If the caretaker is caught up in other dramas or a narcissistic self-regard, insecure connection results; the child feels vulnerable and exhibits a lack of confidence, displaying little desire to explore. The toddler, disconnected, becomes increasingly anxious of securing and maintaining the caretaker's attention. And if the disruption of this primary relationship continues, a wounding occurs; the child doesn’t feel loved for its innate, authentic, spontaneous self. Children will do anything to secure attention and regard, abandoning their authentic behaviors, amplifying or suppressing needs, see...

In every moment of life, there's an underlying physical reaction to everything we experience, a subtle opinion that's expressed in the body: What has just occurred is "agreeable" "disagreeable" or "neither." For example, the subway door slides shut in front of us; before we manage a thought about the event, a physical editorial has already arisen in our autonomic nervous system and muscle groups: our breathing becomes shallow, the abdomen clenches, the shoulders constrict and lift, the jaws lock; missing the train is now "disagreeable." (This somatic reaction sequence, referred to as "vedana" by The Buddha, is virtually automatic, and has been confirmed by neurologists as a function of the brain's subregion responsible for survival, the amygdala.)  These physical commentaries are sculpted by a lifetime of previous reactions to various experiences: we've come to associate missing the subway with other uncomf...

Cognitive scientists, like Professor Dan Simons of Illinois University, have documented what's called "inattentional blindness:" we spend much of our existence in a kind of daydream, failing to notice the subtle changes occurring in our perceptual field. Show someone a photograph of a building, have them look away for a moment: when they return to what seems to be the same photograph, most won't notice that a large tree has been removed via photoshop. We believe we're aware of change, but much of the time it has to be inescapable before we notice; we are overloaded with stimuli. Now consider this: For a very long time people believed that each individual owned a unique soul, a lasting "me," an identity or persistent observer of life that lurked at the core of the mind. This belief was based on appearances rather than close observation, similar to how the Sun appeared to revolve around the Earth (it required close observation by Gal...

Everything is in flux. One of the most fundamental insights of spiritual practice is that despite all the safeguards civilization provides, the feelings of security we achieve through work, relationships and family, etc, we remain inherently vulnerable to abrupt loss and change. Everything is in flux: the world, people in our lives, moods and thoughts arising and passing in our minds. This fundamental change includes the way we relate to people, places and things: each new iGadget feels exciting and promising out of the box; months later it brings little more than a momentary diversion to the day. So, what can we can count on in our march through time?  With age we'll lose control of our bodies, eventually we'll be separated from everyone and everything we love. Given this lack of control, for long stretches, if not entire lifetimes, we'll grasp at fleeting solutions that provide false shelter. We'll acquire countless commodities to avoid feelin...

We support each other in the most lasting and meaningful way by listening and providing a stable, safe connection to each other's underlying emotions and feelings, rather than following the impulse to get caught up in details or judgments, to fix mistakes, to immediately agree or disagree with actions, etc.  So, what does empathetic connection look like? 1) We direct our attention to someone, and sustain it, putting aside all our inner commentaries and distractions 2) We read the core emotional state that lies beneath their words. This requires focused attention: reading facial expressions, body language, listening to vocal inflections, etc. 3) When a true connection occurs, we begin to somatically feel a sympathetic articulation of the emotion they're expressing and manifesting We're choosing to focus on what lies beneath their stories; details separate and isolate us, while feelings unite and connect , for they are universally experienced. So, even if there's conf...

There's an old beautiful spiritual, Wade in the Water which referred to liberation from enslavement; while many assumed it was a reference to the exodus from Egypt, it was moreover an instruction to fugitive slaves to leave dry land which, while easy to run on, lead one to be quickly captured. Instead, the fugitive was instructed to head into the water as a means of escape.  The spiritual is not an instruction to bide one's time in hopes of passive salvation or divine intervention, it's an encouragement to move towards freedom by giving up what's familiar and pushing onto the difficult path of freedom. Wading can also serve as an analogy for working with emotions, feelings and moods: Rather than staying up in our heads, where the thoughts created by our moods can so easily entrap us, we seek release by lowering our awareness into the body, 'wading' into often turbulent physical expression of our emotions. How does it work? "Witness:...

Many of us are born into, and grow up in, environments that provide insecure support at best. While rewarded for behaviors that meet arbitrary social standards, we are ignored or punished for the times our authentic self-expression doesn't 'fit in' with normative expectations. For example, boys are rewarded for acting 'like boys,' and 'girls like girls,' but transgressing gender expectations often leads to shaming, exclusion and worse.  And so we develop performative behaviors to attain support and acceptance from an ungenerous, withholding world: we do as others do to receive acceptance. We drive ourselves to fit in with relentless self-criticism and perfectionism.  Such techniques transform the mind into place where thoughts of grandiosity and punishment are the rewards for normal successes and mistakes. Unfortunately, many have to hit bottom, reaching periods of despair, addiction, panic, insomnia and other unwholesome states, before s...

The self-related ideas and images we replay in our minds tend to derive from the challenging experiences of life: times we were vulnerable, abandoned, rejected. Rather than opening to the inevitable fear, we sought the false shelter of our thoughts; they provided us with what seemed to be a safe refuge from our felt lack of control during perilous and scary circumstances.  If we grow dependent on daydreams, then we begin to identify with the roles we play in them: this fantasy is who I really am; not the person responsible for all those actions out there in the world. The stories can become sticky and difficult to detach from at this stage. For awhile imagination, revenge fantasies and rewritten memories can provide the illusion of power and immunity to discomfort. Meanwhile taking time to check in with the body is largely abandoned, and difficult interpersonal relationships are shunned. Then, of course the results of avoidance strategies start to poke sharp h...

I woke up sweating, gulping for air. I was in the grips of a panic attack, my stomach cement hard yet churning. In my mind, movie screens played horror films in a loop; the images in this multiplex were darker than Dostoevsky. I’d been sober for six years, but it didn’t matter. My new marriage was surely destined to fail, the small house we’d purchased in Brooklyn destined to crumble. My skills were worthless and would, without doubt, leave me unemployable. Everything about me, an inner verdict announced, was phony and shallow. Friends and family would turn away once my true nature was exposed. I had the feeling that countless eyes were piercing through me and locating something pitiable. I’d awoken into what was eventually diagnosed as “a major depressive episode.” What was the root of it? A childhood spent in a household where rage was routine, violence not unknown. I recall the terror of being awakened from a deep sleep at 4 a.m. and dragged by my ankles into a b...

The mind has a tendency to search for a meaning, an underlying message, in every murky or complex experience. It can feel like we've only processed and come to closure with a traumatic experience when we've come away with a simple interpretation for the traumatic event, a "moral to the story." In practice, we want to be able to report to those around us that we understand what a period of depression or confusion "was all about" and have come away "a new understanding." After a painful and dramatic conclusion to a relationship, we might report "it was for the best, we were heading in different directions." When someone dies, many feel the obligation to console their loved ones with "well, he lived a full life, got to a very old age, he travelled and got to see the world, etc." We see this default wiring at work when we stand before an abstract painting, a challenging film or theater piece: What is it trying to say? What...

talk 1, the nature of addiction: the root of addiction is a craving to get rid of all forms of stress and discomfort —some stresses stem from underlying feelings of loneliness, uniqueness, isolation —some from obsessive thinking —the inevitable, unavoidable discomforts of life; abandonment, rejection, criticism, blame, etc —these are inner states that the addict is largely unfocused on and towards which develops little tolerance addictions primarily relieve our awareness of our inner stress —the solutions are short term, with long term consequences that in no way develop tolerance or lasting solutions —the addict largely blames his suffering on external conditions, and fails to see how his lack of tolerance plays a central role in the addictive spiral karma & coping strategies: neurons that fire together wire together habitual reactions to stress become increasingly ingrained, the mind develops ruts finding any additional stress unbearable, further keeping our addictions in pla...

acceptance is originally defined as  1) receiving something that's arrived and offered, for example, accepting a package. 2) believing in something as true, for example Christians accepting Jesus as savior, or accepting the validity of an election, etc. As a psychological activity wherein a person experiences a set of conditions —often uncomfortable and unwanted— without trying to change or avoid it. We're often told that acceptance is a central part of buddhist spirituality. There is no direct word for psychological acceptance, as just defined, in pali.  The buddha's never taught that we should experience suffering without trying to change it. All of the buddha's teachings are goal seeking, towards inner peace. The buddha did teach about learning to develop contentment with whatever external circumstances we find ourselves in: —santutthi, or developing contentment with our acquisition of four requisites, food, clothing, shelter, and medi...

Of all the passages in our recovery literature I find unintentionally amusing—and there are many—one stands out. It is a memorable paragraph about those alcoholics who “for a variety of reasons cannot have a family life.” They are consoled with the wildly thrilling prospect of transforming themselves into “prodigies of service.” It’s supposed to be inspiring. I remember one friend who used to sigh audibly and cross her arms angrily when this portion was read aloud at Twelve Step gatherings. No doubt she was shuddering at the thrilling plans the program had in store for her. Perhaps she, like me, imagined armies of childless drunks and addicts, dressed in colorless work uniforms, dutifully sweeping up after their happily married fellows had gracefully departed the meetings, en route to the Hamptons. At least the industrious spirits left behind would be lifted by the thought of helping another alcoholic. This patronizing pat on the head is by no means an isolated theme in recovery l...

Grasping: in a consumer culture, bombarded by marketing, with the basic message being: " you need this to be ____ safe, happy, loved, etc " —we're bathed in an overriding meme, that there's something that must be gathered in, grasped, attained and clung to if we're to be achieve any lasting peace. —its not just in our advertisements, it lurks in the messages we receive from institutions, chasing diplomas, commendations, linkedIn recommendations, clean bills of health, etc. this movement can easily be brought into our spiritual lives as well… we want to gather in some special insights and tools to find lasting peace —its no wonder that so much of spiritual literature and courses do so well —what we learn: i pay to be given something that i'm missing to get me where i can find happiness inherent in grasping and gathering and clinging are at least four important, unconscious events: 1) there's a putting off into the future of inner peace; a sense t...

in capitalism, basic human fears and vulnerability are assuaged by a constant influx of mind boggling toys and transfixing sensual perceptions. —we have a steady supply of gadgets, delivering endless media that provide us with hours of distractions —we can travel to every corner of the globe in search of a wide variety of experiences —lifestyles of the rich and famous are paraded before us, creating the illusion that if we play our cards right, we too can live 'endlessly glamorous lives' as science and technology promises us longer lifespans with more efficient medications, so the notion of coming to grips with mortality are conveniently put aside . elaborate social media networks provide everyone the opportunity to feel like "a star for at least 15 minutes" transfixed by our Facebook followers and the 'likes' our postings receive. so material consumption is established as the means and ends to security and happiness. —we chase after the worldly win...